I did it again.

Do you ever do it?  I do.  Sometimes too many times in one day.

I know it is not good.  But at times I feel it is the only option.

What about you?

I am talking about escaping.  Running away.  Allowing the overwhelming parts of life to overwhelm to the point of hiding. 

How do I hide or escape?  My go-to escape is Facebook.  I hate it.  I have this love/hate addiction to Facebook.  The worst part is I think I can control it, and well I can’t.

So when life is crazy here, when I want to yell (and sometimes after I yell) I turn to cope with Facebook.  I don’t stop and realize that Jesus is right there in the midst of my being overwhelmed.  I don’t stop and pray that He would give me what I need to deal with what I am running from.  I run.  I hide.

So, today I deleted Facebook off my phone.  I admit, it may not be permanent, but for now it is necessary.  I need to face life.  I need to be here.  I need to deal with the hand I am dealt and not cope by entering the alternate reality of Facebook.  You know?

We do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who had been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet was without sin.  Let us approach the throne of grace with confidence , so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.  Hebrews 4:15-16

Oh, my.  I need to put this somewhere to remember, maybe a screen saver to stop me when I am tempted to run.

I serve a priest who knows about temptation, and while sometimes I might add “but not the temptation we face with children” – but really, those disciples were just like children!!  He faced trials and he never ran away, instead he ran into it.  He stood his ground or he went deeper. 

When I run I miss the chance to go deeper with my kids, with my struggle, with my need.  I miss it because I run away, and the moment is gone.

So, instead of running (for a while) I hope to stand firm, lean in to my struggle, and see where God leads me and what God teaches me.

Want to join me?

Those Days

I bet you don’t have them.  But you know people who do.  You know.  Your friend who calls because it is one of those days.  Maybe your neighbor.  But not you…..

Desperate.

Unglued.

Yes, one of those days.

I love that as I am reading Desperate, (and quite honestly feeling like I don’t need it, ha ha) and also the devotion for Unglued – I had one of those days.

All my tomato plants that I have been nurturing for, oh maybe 10 weeks, yes those.  They started dying.  Ugh.  Depression descended upon me.

Then, my kids were not being the angelic beings that I expect them to be – right, silly me.  Math was taking my youngest boy about 9 hours, give or take an hour.  Math U See.  2 pages – 40 problems.  9 HOURS people!!  Oh my.

So.  When Robert finally woke up (he was sleeping from working nights the night before) I informed him I quit.  I was resigning immediately.  Sign the kids up at Malakoff ISD.  I was done with it all.  No yelling.  No screaming.  No slamming doors.  Just a simple clear resignation.

He laughed.

pieces

I love it when God is working, you can see it, you cannot see what he is doing but you know he is moving about.

I always find it amazing when he is working the same thing using many people too.  For instance, he may use one person to tell you the first part, then another situation to tell you the next and it takes getting up at 5:00am one morning and a few quiet minutes on the couch for you to put it all together.  Maybe it is just me.  But I love when he does this.

He did it recently.  I poured out a {brief} part of my life that I have been struggling with for years, okay, really more than that – almost decades.  I told this dear friend the Reader’s Digest version, we did not have all night, and asked for her opinion.  She did not tell me what I expected to hear, I expected to hear, well do this……

Instead, she said, be still.  Stop doing everything.  Be still and wait on the Lord.  I said, really?  You mean, don’t do “this” or “this” or even “that”?  Really?  Do nothing?  Then I confessed I have a REALLY hard time doing nothing.  Especially when I care a great deal about something, and I do care so much about this.  But really, nothing???  Yes, she assured me.  She gently told me that no matter what I do, I cannot change this situation, the hearts involved, that God needed to do it and he did not need me. 

Where to start

Recently, my dear husband and I have felt like we need to back up and start some things over.  What prompted this?  Well, when you realize you are still falling into destructive patterns, say when you fight, it is not a good thing.  Not when you are on the brink of your 15th anniversary.  You know?  So we had to go backward a bit, dig up some of the yucky and ask ourselves how can we do this different?

Well, one way is to get away more often.  The past, say two years, we have had about 6 dates I think.  Especially if you do not count the company Christmas Party, or similar things.  Because, honestly, who talks about deep stuff at the “crazy” company Christmas party?  Not me. (it is hard to get my husband to talk about deep stuff anytime, but especially not in front of people who know him!!)

Renewal

I am still a bit amazed at how God showed up this morning during my quiet time.  I am not sure why.  I am not sure why I allow myself to forget in order to be amazed over and over.

The last 2 weeks I have virtually played hooky from my morning quiet time.  I was getting to bed late, rushing through a few quiet moments before the crowd assembled (my kids) and it was anything but intimate and precious.

This morning I woke up at 5:30 on my own, sans alarm clock or showering husband.  I love when that happens!!  I love when he gently prods me to open those eyes and get out of my bed.

And after 2 days of getting back into the groove, I hit my stride this morning.  God was there.  He was waiting for me to show up, to leave my agenda behind, to really allow him to lead my moments.  So I did.

I turned to Psalms to pray through a Psalm – I wanted to change things up a bit from my note cards, and just pray through words he penned in the book.  I ended up in Psalm 77.

Meeting the neighbors

One thing I wish I was better at was getting out and visiting my neighbors more.  Our pastor often talks about talking to the people closest first.  How can we fly to Uganda and tell those strangers about God and his love, and not every tell the man or woman next door?

And yet, sadly we do – all the time.

This week I tried to really make a plan to get out and visit some neighbors.   {I am not advocating a Jehovah Witness like visit – more of a friendly neighbor, loving visit}  When I am in the middle of  a project though, I am reluctant to stop and make time for what I know I need to do. 

Living it

I am certainly not living the life I should.  I mean, don’t we all fall so short of what we hope for ourselves and short of what God has for us? 

We talked this week about what it is that pulls us away from what we should do.  Is it that we are too busy?  Too tired?  It is too hard to do _______ (fill in the blank______?

Well, I have not arrived, by any stretch, but as much as I fail, I occasionally do something right.  So often I think I hit the mark most with my children than with myself.

(Now after the past 2 weeks or so, I am not feeling too proud as a mom, but I am not sure that is truth I am leaning on…. another issue for another day..)

Anyway, last fall our church took over the management of a local food pantry.  I have always wanted to be more involved in service projects, but with 4 little kids it is hard to be able to do too much.  With our church so involved though,and knowing nearly all the adults working there I decided to get my older boys involved. 

 

First Things First

It feels like the world around me has determined the word of the year to be First.  Maybe it is a new year thing, but this year I seem to be hearing it from all sides.

Yesterday on the Coconut Hut Radio show (and last week too) the theme was First.  In church, Nathan is preaching about making God first in our lives in all areas and how that would change our year and life.  In Bible study, as I work through James, Beth is talking about this same theme.

Maybe God is just doing this for me.  Or, maybe it is more than just for me.

But seek first his Kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given unto you.  Matthew 6:33

Great verse.  So often taken out of context.  In Bible Drill we are memorizing this verse from Matthew as well

If you believe, you will receive

whatever you ask for in prayer

Matthew 21:22

Discipleship {Part I}

What does discipleship really look like? 

How do we “do” it? 

To whom do we disciple?

Those are a few of the questions bouncing around in my head these days. 

 

While reading Radical, and listening to David Platt talk about what it means, how Jesus did it, and how we are called not only to go and tell, but to make disciples, I am chewing on how that looks in my life. 

First, I think I am called to disciple my children.  Why?  Well, before this week I could not specifically tell you, but while I was reading Titus 1:5-9 I read why I am called to do this.

For this reason I left you in Crete, that you would set in order what remains and appoint elders in every city as I directed you, ⁶ namely, if any man is above reproach, the husband of one wife, having children who believe, not accused of dissipation or rebellion.

Paul tells us in Titus that to be a leader in the church you must have only 1 wife, and children who are believers and not rebellious.  Why would he say this?  Because if you do not have your own house in order, how in the world are you going to tell someone else how to get theirs in order?

Comparisons

Does everyone struggle with this?  It would seem to me, that many of us do, too many.

I am nearing the end of a great book I am reading : A Confident Heart by Renee Swope.  As I am closing out this book for a review later this week, I was reading too  much great stuff to just leave it in the book.  I knew I had to share.  Maybe I had to share so it would take deeper root in my heart.

Renee talks so pointedly, in this book, about finding confidence in God.  She talks about triggers that spark our insecurity.  So true!  But not sure I ever look for those.  We need to be on the lookout for those triggers so we can face our issues head on, and see them coming.

walking in the Word

 

I love it when God speaks to my heart.  Sometimes I get it when he whispers, but really, there is often so much noise in my life I hardly know if I am thinking, hearing, or just being overwhelmed by something NOT from him.

So last week, I wake up at 4am – I choose to pick up tons of guilt to pile on my already tired shoulders.  Yuck.  I shoot out a prayer request to places far away and get a reply from a different time zone.  Then a call.  She has words of encouragement.  She tells me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear.  Confirms what I already suspect but cannot do, yet.

But, still I wonder, is this God telling me to do “this” or is it my guilt, my will, or me?

little boys and Superman

As I am trying to teach my kids Godly characteristics, I wonder if I am teaching them right?  Am I teaching them to strive for these qualities?  Or am I teaching them that the only way they can live them out it to depend on Jesus to fill them up?

We are called to live so that we

continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as [we] were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. Colossians 2:6b

We are supposed to be strengthened to do everything through HIM.

I am hoping they will figure out that they are not going to choose kindness, forgiveness, compassion, honesty – first.  Not in their own efforts or strength. 

Life’s (I mean God’s) Detours

Sometimes I can come up with the perfect plan.  I strive for perfection in so many ways, too many ways.  I do not attain it, does anyone, really?  But we (I) continue to strive, not because we want perfection, but instead because we (I) struggle with pride.  Funny, how none of us thinks pride is an issue we ourselves, struggle with.  It looks so different played out in life.  But I digress…

So I had a chance to offer to help our a sweet family we know last week.  I had a plan.  It was going to be such a lovely day.  So many ideas. 

Little Disciples

It is amazing how when our hearts are filled to be poured out again, there is so much to pour out!

Sally Clarkson talked a lot about disciple-ing (training & leading) our children instead of just disciplining (punishing).  Sometimes I fail to see that as my role as much as I should.  I know I am teaching them about God, daily.  We read our Bible, we apply it, we talk about it all the time – it is a REAL part of our lives – we live it.

But when they falter, when they fail, when they sin, sometimes I get distracted (frustrated) and maybe look at it like I am just doing a job for so many years and then I will be done.  Their failure sometimes  makes me think I am failing them too.  I am not really but it feels that way sometimes.  Sometimes it is hard to see a boy – almost young man – fail. 

Easter

I have always loved Easter. 

 

 

I grew up in a home where going to church was not weekly, but more like bi-annually.  And I know we often went on Easter when I was a child.

But since the change, since I chose to follow Him, Easter has easily become one of two of my favorite holidays.

The gift we were given – the promise he made to us – the freedom offered.  Amazing.

Thinning Plants {life lesson}

Every now and then, as I am working through something in my mind, I get to see it with my eyes.

I have been talking with my oldest a lot lately about not settling.  About not filling our lives with so much good stuff, that we then have to say no to the Best stuff – because there is simply no room.

Two days ago, while working in the garden with Robert, I got to see this truth with my eyes. 

more like Moses

Radiate 2011 just ended at our church.  It seems that every year they hold a Revival/Conference in the spring.  They meet Sunday am, Sunday pm, Monday pm, Tuesday pm, and Wednesday pm.  Not sure about the past, but this year we had different speakers for each session, the theme was missions. 

Missions has been on my heart for several years now, and we have a couple young “planning-to-be” missionaries in our home. 

So as I am reading through Numbers these days, reading more about Moses and reflecting about what I have heard the last few days at Radiate, I think I feel my heart breaking.

I read about the Israelites – how they disobeyed, grumbled against, and stood up to God over and over.  God wanted to wipe them out more than once and do you know what stopped him? 

Moses 

One man

Sometimes Aaron too.  But for the most part it was Moses. 

more baby steps

I came home with quite a list of things I wanted to add/implement/change in my home after listening to Sally Clarkson and her friends this weekend.  I am not going to share the entire list, but I will share what little things I have done since getting home. 

1.  My goal was to make my kitchen “Clutter Free” and I was serious!!

So, I arrived home and Sunday evening after my appointment with Dave Ramsey, I started picking up the kitchen.  Why the kitchen as my focus right now?  Well, my bedroom looks like a man’s workshop exploded – and let me tell you, that room does not make me happy when I enter it.  However, I cannot influence, change or control that room while my husband is soldering pipes, hanging dry wall, or laying tile.  So, I choose to ignore the way that room makes we feel, and move on.

I happen to spend most of my time in the kitchen.  So, I decided the kitchen could be improved.

Quiet and Alone

It is so sweet to be in a place where you can hear God, but even sweeter still when you know you are hearing God and you can almost feel him hugging you and encouraging you.

That is usually how I feel when I get to be in a room with Sally Clarkson.  This weekend is proving to be no different.

But this morning, as I woke up early (with many less hours of sleep than I am used to) with little bags under my eyes, and my body wanting to roll over and go back to sleep, I went down to secure seats for today’s conference.  It is what I do.  I am the seat recon person.  It seems I normally get up earlier than most in my group, and well, it is what I do.  So I took off with my Bible hoping to get some reading done while I waited.  I skipped my Mark reading yesterday, not intentionally, just got pulled away before I got there.  But, now I see God wanted me to read that particular passage today.

Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.”  Mark 6:31

I read this last year about a week before this same conference – and felt that this was God telling me to Go – without guilt – go to a quiet place and be alone with him (alone in the sense of with 600 other moms doing the same thing).  So I went.  Then, and now.

Even Jesus knew the importance of getting away from all that tugs at us and pulls us here and there.  To get away to a quiet place to meditate.  To think new thoughts.  To dream.  To reconcile where we have been and are.  To get away.

There is so much value in it.  When Sally speaks, I hear the words God gave her to speak life and encouragement into the hearts of those who are daring to live their lives pouring everything into their children.  TO some weary women on the battlefield of the World – battling against, everything the world throws at us. 

And, wow – so sweet.  So, so sweet to hear the words that God is pouring out to my heart.  Not words of condemnation, or guilt – but words of life.  Truth.  Inspiration. 

So, I sit here this morning, in a quiet place, knowing no one is going to come out and ask me what is for breakfast & when am I serving it.  No one is going to ask for anything from me right now.  So I get to read His word, refresh my soul, and let Him fill me back up before I step back out on that battlefield.  But when I do, I know that I am ready.  I have plans.  I have ideas.  I have high expectations.  I am dreaming of bigger ideals than Friday morning.  I will keep striving to pour so much more into the hearts of my fellow warriors on this battlefield – even though they may not yet realize they are that.

I am so grateful.  So thankful that Sally is obedient to a God who asks more of her, who stretches her – and who has called her to do what she is doing.  She is fighting the battle through her life, but through ours too every time she refreshes our souls!

walking in the word

Today is another day in this new year. 2010 - the year of following (for me).

School started earlier than the other days in this week, that was after all the children were bathed and we had breakfast. So school ended earlier than the other days allowing me some extra time before lunch. I was able to catch up on some of my favorite blogs and even get about 15 minutes of housekeeping in!! FlyLady would be proud! I stumbled upon a blog called Econobusters from an email from Old SchoolHouse Magazine. She is running 31 days of organizing tips on her blog for the new year. I was inspired to run into the kids rooms (colder than the room I was in) to quickly pull out some extra clothes. Literally it took 15 minutes and it was WONDERFUL!! I cleared out pant drawers for 3 boys and PJs too. I now have 4 bags of extra clothes and a box of PJs.

I was able to have a great conversation with my dear friend Kristen and we even talked about that whole "stumbling" on blogs and just following rabbit trails until you cannot get out. Yes, I too suffer from that! I suggested setting a timer for blog reading to keep from wasting too much time - I think I will have to try the timer thing. I am just so thrilled at regaining so much of my time through managing my on-line time better!!

Most importantly today, I spent some time with God - I walked with him. I have been reading my Bible in bed before I get up - while icing my back (following the plan from Manna Church). And this is working so well for me! The ice ensures I am awake and alert and it helps my back heal, while soaking in the word and committing my day to Him through prayer. I have been meditating on my memory verse - it is posted in the bathroom, kitchen sink, dash of my car, and a copy is on the school table - so I almost have it memorized! And working on it has been keeping my mind on Him, His word, and His promises for my life - I need that!

I feel like, because I am putting him first in my day and throughout my day, he is blessing my time management and my attitude through the day. Am I still yelling at the kids at times? Yes, but not as angrily or as often. Instead I am trying to remind them what obedience looks like - since we have been talking about that for our Character Training this month. That seems to be working, they know what they are supposed to be doing, they are just not in the habit of choosing it. Kind of like me - huh? Sometimes I need a gentle reminder from someone I love to get me back on track.

Even found a few minutes to help start the kids on this new puzzle from Goodwill (missing 4 pieces :))

So, I am enjoying this new found time, this new focus on the Word of God and hiding it in my heart, and the moments with my children. We have many days left in this year, and it will feel long, but it will be short, I hope to stay on this course 'til then end!!