I did it again.

Do you ever do it?  I do.  Sometimes too many times in one day.

I know it is not good.  But at times I feel it is the only option.

What about you?

I am talking about escaping.  Running away.  Allowing the overwhelming parts of life to overwhelm to the point of hiding. 

How do I hide or escape?  My go-to escape is Facebook.  I hate it.  I have this love/hate addiction to Facebook.  The worst part is I think I can control it, and well I can’t.

So when life is crazy here, when I want to yell (and sometimes after I yell) I turn to cope with Facebook.  I don’t stop and realize that Jesus is right there in the midst of my being overwhelmed.  I don’t stop and pray that He would give me what I need to deal with what I am running from.  I run.  I hide.

So, today I deleted Facebook off my phone.  I admit, it may not be permanent, but for now it is necessary.  I need to face life.  I need to be here.  I need to deal with the hand I am dealt and not cope by entering the alternate reality of Facebook.  You know?

We do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who had been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet was without sin.  Let us approach the throne of grace with confidence , so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.  Hebrews 4:15-16

Oh, my.  I need to put this somewhere to remember, maybe a screen saver to stop me when I am tempted to run.

I serve a priest who knows about temptation, and while sometimes I might add “but not the temptation we face with children” – but really, those disciples were just like children!!  He faced trials and he never ran away, instead he ran into it.  He stood his ground or he went deeper. 

When I run I miss the chance to go deeper with my kids, with my struggle, with my need.  I miss it because I run away, and the moment is gone.

So, instead of running (for a while) I hope to stand firm, lean in to my struggle, and see where God leads me and what God teaches me.

Want to join me?

Where to start

Recently, my dear husband and I have felt like we need to back up and start some things over.  What prompted this?  Well, when you realize you are still falling into destructive patterns, say when you fight, it is not a good thing.  Not when you are on the brink of your 15th anniversary.  You know?  So we had to go backward a bit, dig up some of the yucky and ask ourselves how can we do this different?

Well, one way is to get away more often.  The past, say two years, we have had about 6 dates I think.  Especially if you do not count the company Christmas Party, or similar things.  Because, honestly, who talks about deep stuff at the “crazy” company Christmas party?  Not me. (it is hard to get my husband to talk about deep stuff anytime, but especially not in front of people who know him!!)

Parenting 101 (Romans)

I keep thinking this parenting thing will get easy.  What a lie!  I mean, when people told me when I had 4 kids 5 & under – when they told me it did not get easier, only different, I was sure they were wrong.  How could it not get easier?  2 to 3 in diapers, the physical needs of 4 kids being met primarily by me.  How could it not get easier?  It must!!  It must!!

But, again, I was wrong.  And now, as I talk to Kristen who had 4 closer than mine and 4 years behind, I tell her “It does not get easier.”  When I call in distress I think she is realizing it does not get easier.  My distress is not over potty training.  It is not over biting, or hitting, or dirty diapers.  It is over heart issues.  Big stuff.  Eternal stuff, if you will.

My day Tuesday was ugly.  I sent her a quick email half way through to say “uggghhh” – a quick plea for prayer.  I do not want to battle my child every day, all day.  I want to love him.  Or do I?

All day, we battled.  All day I remembered the advice I doled out but a few days before.  “Woo him Kristen,” – my point that God woos us, he loves us.  He does not treat us like we deserve to be treated.  Our blessings are not directly linked to our good works.  Woo him.  I heard it, in my head, over and over.  But I could not live it.  Instead I yelled (a little), lectured (A LOT), and grasped for light at the end of this tunnel (Does it end???).

Little Disciples

It is amazing how when our hearts are filled to be poured out again, there is so much to pour out!

Sally Clarkson talked a lot about disciple-ing (training & leading) our children instead of just disciplining (punishing).  Sometimes I fail to see that as my role as much as I should.  I know I am teaching them about God, daily.  We read our Bible, we apply it, we talk about it all the time – it is a REAL part of our lives – we live it.

But when they falter, when they fail, when they sin, sometimes I get distracted (frustrated) and maybe look at it like I am just doing a job for so many years and then I will be done.  Their failure sometimes  makes me think I am failing them too.  I am not really but it feels that way sometimes.  Sometimes it is hard to see a boy – almost young man – fail. 

Name It!

It never ceases to amaze me how sneaky the lies creep in.  You never see them coming.  All is well, things are rolling along, and then all of a sudden, there they are staring you in the face.

Today is like that.  This afternoon, as we ate lunch, we talked about how the disciples felt on this day.  How God may have felt on this day.  How we should feel on this day.  The day he was separated from all He knew – the day he was suffering for my sins.  The day he was in Hell.

But by late afternoon, I am bombarded with the lies in my head.  Lies of inadequacy.  Lies of not enough.  Lies of if only….

Blog World

I enter into the blog world at different times each day.  Most days it is not until my morning quiet time, breakfast, and kick start to chores and such.  Other days it is not until after schooling with little ones, or really just life. 

I try to be very discriminate of the blogs I read.  I try to choose ones that will encourage me along on this journey.  Convict my heart, but not add onto the guilt that I already carry.  Words to inspire whether through fabric, glue, a sewing machine, food, or even books.  Those are my favorites.  My most favorite is Ann’s simple, humble and yet amazingly PROFOUND blog.  I could live on her blog.  I could just stay there and bounce from current post to past posts, just drinking up the words that spill from her keyboard.  I feel inspired, encouraged, and loved there.  How?  Because this sweet, simple woman loves the same ONE that I love so much, that she opens herself to allow him to fill her up, her days, her home and her words.

balance??

Most days I am comfortable being comfortable. Most days.

But more often I am finding myself wondering. Wondering if comfortable is really where HE wants us. I mean, we are Americans living the “dream” but is this really what it is all about? Is it all about living in our comfortable homes, with cute stuff (that we honestly have too much of and do not really need), going through each day as if that is what matters.

I follow along with many bloggers out there. Some  of them have had some life-changing experiences lately and between them, and a few amazing authors I am starting to really wonder if we have gotten it all wrong? 

Kristen went off with Compassion International and if you go here you will see she is having a hard time going back to who she was before that life-changing trip. Or you can go here and read about that trip.

Ann went on another trip and here she has similar sentiments.

Jennifer went a while back too –and you can find her posts over here.

Then I read books like Crazy Love and I sit back and realize that I am not living out a Crazy Love kind of life toward others – or really even toward God.

 

 

Next I pick up Radical – still reading through it – and again I seem to feel that I am not living out what I should be.  So there is the struggle.  Are we trying to balance a life that we are called to live by our God with what this world is calling us to live?  Or are we trying to simply live a life glorifying our Creator in all the facets and aspects of our lives?

 

 

What is balance really?  We are all so quick to say we are trying to “balance it all” but really should we be balancing anything?  Was God unclear when he laid out how we are called to live?  Did he say “make sure and balance it all just right?”  Or did he simply say “GO?”

 www.dictionary.com put it this way:

bal·ance

/ˈbæləns/ Show Spelled [bal-uhns] Show IPA noun, verb, -anced, -anc·ing.

–noun

1. a state of equilibrium or equipoise; equal distribution of weight, amount, etc.

2.  something used to produce equilibrium; counterpoise.

3. mental steadiness or emotional stability; habit of calm behavior, judgment, etc.

4. a state of bodily equilibrium: He lost his balance and fell down the stairs.

5.  an instrument for determining weight, typically by the equilibrium of a bar with a fulcrum at the center, from each end of which is suspended a scale or pan, one holding an object of known weight, and the other holding the object to be weighed.

6. the remainder or rest: He carried what he could and left the balance for his brother to bring.

7.  the power or ability to decide an outcome by throwing one's strength, influence, support, or the like, to one side or the other.

 

I keep seeing the term “equilibrium” pop up when defining balance – and yet I do not recall the Bible ever saying we needed an equilibrium with respect to His word and the world. 

So, the question I struggle with, that I watch others struggle with, that I read about even more struggling with.  How do we live that out?  How do we go about putting up new curtains in the kitchen when I could feed someone for a month through say, Compassion International.  I am frugal by nature, but still I seem to be struggling with more purchases, more of my “want"/need” list, and just the day to day living life in America.

I can be like everyone else and justify – can’t we all do that?  I can justify that God has “blessed” us so he must want me to have a nice home – with new curtains – right?  Or has he blessed me so I can turn around and bless the next person?  That is my question, how to I live a life to provide a home or refuge for my family, yet ensure that I am being the best steward I can be with all I have?

I read blogs of people who go with Compassion International to these third world countries and see so many people with less that I have in my bathroom – let alone new curtains in the kitchen.  We are following this amazing youth minister as he travels through India – and man this stuff will make your head spin!!  Like 700 families live in this one poor village and none have a bathroom!!  None!!  And I have been pining away for that 3rd bathroom for years.  Man, I seem to be missing the BIG picture here!!

Finally as the holidays approach, will you join me (and many others) in being intentional about our choices?  And check out this video – it will make you think.   Again this year, I challenge you to consider the Advent Conspiracy.

One of those days

Gosh! I am having one! You know those days when everything feels like it is wrong. No matter what you do you feel like it is all a tower of tooth pics about to blow over - not to mention the number of times you get poked! That is today.

Sometimes it comes on like a storm - with no warning. This time is has been creeping up on me and I have been trying to figure out where it came from. And WHY! Isn't that always the question?

You know what? I have not gotten answers to either. But I got something better! I split up the kids to their "corner" for some quiet time. I did some journaling and listened to some praise music and that helped a bit. Then I just laid down. My mind races every night, I go through my whole day and what is to come. I "over" analyze every conversation or thing that happened and often times I lose precious moments of sleep. So I laid down to do this this afternoon and to just pray and talk to God.

I think (okay I would say I know) that Satan has a radar to our weaknesses and just when we start to get beat down by something, he drops what he is doing and attacks full force. TO say this I mean that he whispers in our ear all the things wrong, the things we don't do well, all our insecurities. Not to mention he gets the kids involved and tells them to step up their assaults too! And we get beat down even more.

While talking to a friend today during my "dark moments" I kept thinking this is not what God has for me. He does not desire that I sulk or dwell in those dark places. He does not want me meditating on the things I do wrong or poorly, but he delights in me. That may just be my theme this year because it sure keeps coming up. He delights in all the things I do well - all the ways I serve my family and love them. He delights in the things I try to do well even if I do not always succeed. He delights in me just like we do when we look in on our sleeping children. They are not "doing" anything and we cannot help but smile and feel the complete and perfect love we have for them. And that is God with us, except I am sure he feels it more often than when we are sleeping.

So maybe when things are going well and we are just cruising along, he allows these bumps in the road to redirect our focus - to realign our steering - to get us looking back to him. I am conscious of the fact that I lean more on Him when times are hard than when they are easy and good - you know? And that is not what he wants for us. He wants that dependency and intimacy when times are good and bad - all the time.

So here I go - I keep learning the same lessons over and over - and I keep growing closer to my Savior - and let me tell you - it is worth every "dark moment" I have to make my way through to see the light of Jesus shining on me and calling me out of that darkness. I am so thankful for a God who knows everything about me, who loves and delights in me, and who never leaves me!